Friday, October 30, 2009

Heather

“Honey, what’s the matter?”

I walked into my youngest daughter’s room to tuck her in for the night and discovered her practically awash in tears. “Why are you crying, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know,” she sobbed, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her pajamas. “I’m just sad.”

“Why are you sad? Is anything wrong?” Being the only man living in a house full of women has taught me to be patient when trying to fathom the complex mysteries of female emotion. This one in particular is a tough nut to crack and she requires lots of questions to get her talking about her feelings.

“Do your legs hurt?” Over the past few weeks she has experienced severe leg pains at night; “growing pains” we call them.

“No, I’m just tired.” Her standard answer for “I don’t want to talk about it right now because I haven’t fully explored the depths of this emotion yet myself” confuses me. Just ten minutes ago she was a happy-go-lucky sixth grader as she placed her request for me to play on the piano while she brushed her teeth and got ready for bed.

I circled back around to one of her previous answers; usually an effective icebreaker for me. “What are you sad about?”

As she prepares her answer I give her a monster tuck, one of her favorites, pulling her comforter up to her chin and wrapping her like a mummy, pinning her arms tightly to her sides. This is not a tuck for the claustrophobic or faint of heart. I kiss away her tears and encourage an answer, “What’s making you so sad?” I reach over and turn off her light because sometimes answers come easier in the darkness.

“It was so pretty. I had to cry.”

“What was pretty?” I’m still lost but starting to make some headway; she’s opening up. I think to myself, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I was gearing up to impart some fatherly wisdom.

“The music,” she paused, “It was so pretty but it made me feel so sad inside. I had to cry.”

I thought to myself, Vangelis’ theme to Chariots of Fire is sad? In the almost twenty-five years since I first played that piece I have heard it called many things, but sad was never one of them. As I thought back to my high school years, I remembered why I loved that piece so much. It was because of the energy I could put into the keys as I pounded out the first seven measures of staccato sixteenth notes. What teenaged boy wouldn’t love the rapid pace and heavy punishment of the ivory this song demands of the pianist? I can still hear Mrs. Janes emphatically calling out time for me, “one-e-and-uh, two-e-and-uh, three-e-and-uh, four-e-and-uh” and clapping her hands to emphasize the staccato nature of the introduction.

But, in quieter times, I also remember Mrs. Janes encouraging me to put my heart into the pieces I was learning to play. Every time I heard that directive, I would recommit every fiber of my being into the piece, playing ever harder, sadly realizing I was not accomplishing her desired effect but not knowing how to change my style to reflect my heart in the piece.

I realized tonight that, while I had started playing the piece with my typical tempo and gusto, a feeling of melancholy had swept over me part way through the song. Tonight I had unconsciously played the song differently than I had ever played it before. The music spoke to me and I had responded as I massaged the keys.

“Would you like me to play it again for you?” Heather nodded. “I will check on you when I am done, okay?”

“Okay.” In the dim light I could see the faint smile she managed to tweak out for me.

This time, as I started to play her request, I played through my heart.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Show and Tell

"Show, don't tell." I have heard that advice hundreds of times in the past few years as I work to develop my writing skills and hone my craft. For the longest time, I really struggled with what that meant. Show, don't tell. My first reaction always was, "I am showing...see?" Eventually, I got it and began developing a much clearer voice, showing my reader details about my characters through dialogue and action rather than simply listing them.

But why was it so hard for me to learn this simple concept? Why is it so difficult for others to grasp as well? Well, for starters, we all (most likely) grew up with a grade school tradition called 'Show and Tell' where we would bring something exciting or dear to us and share it with our classmates. Show and Tell. Depending on you level of self-esteem and extraversion, this event was either something you eagerly anticipated, or it was an event that inspired vivid nightmares, launched imaginary pandemics, and eventually led to wet pants in front of your peers.

For me, the showing part of Show and Tell was always the easiest; hold up the object for everyone to admire and bask in its radiance (ooh, ah) and then fight off the waves of jealousy emanating back from my class. Don't hate me for what I have.

What I really struggled with was the telling part. How do I convince my peers that this dingy, ragged, stuffed dog was actually my soul mate and confidant; the only person in this world with the patience to hear all my fears and insecurities? How do I convey the thought that this scrap of man-made materials with a missing eye and torn ear gives me the confidence to make it through another heart-stopping night filled with bogeymen and other assorted unseen monsters making strange noises throughout the house?

Please permit me to digress for a moment; the stress of the telling part of Show and Tell led me to develop the amazing ability to express my thoughts verbally in order to convince others to accept (or buy) what I was telling them...leading to the ability to sell anyone on my ideas. (Later, I would learn these were called features and benefits and the process was called consultative selling.)

My college literature classes and life in the corporate world added more lessons on telling versus showing. Myriad college professors wanted me to analyze the content to extract details and meaning without paying any particular attention to the methodology of how the author provided me the details and generated the meaning. In the corporate world, I would receive relentless barrages of "tell me what is going on" or " tell me the results" without anyone ever asking me to show them how I came to those details. Tell, tell, tell.

The only real-world application of showing I ever engaged in prior to launching my writing activities was photography. In this case, the old adage "a picture is worth a thousand words" exemplifies the art of showing. Create the picture and let the critics and viewers tell you what they see.

For me, writing mirrors photography to the extent that my words create an image for my reader. These words are most effective and productive when they are transparent to the reader. This, to the credit of my teachers and mentors over the years, is accomplished best through the action and dialogue of my story.

So the next time you are faced with the comment, "Show, don't tell" let your words create a picture without telling your reader what is in the picture.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Death of My Muse

As a young boy, I would lay awake at night composing stories in my head. I was a prolific author, writing story after story every night. At times, I even would compose stories in my sleep. I found it interesting that, as I dreamed, my writing process appeared to be more like reading than physically writing. I could imagine the story, see the action, and even hear the voices of the characters. But in my dreams, I was holding the book the story was contained inside of. I know I was creating the stories because they were of events, characters, and plots I had never read before. In one particularly vivid dream, one that I have never forgotten, I became so frustrated because I could not turn the page to see what was going to happen next. The frustration was so palpable it woke me up. I guess you could say that was my first known case of writer's block!

Unfortunately, as a child, not many of my stories ever made it to paper. I would rather read stories and only wrote when it was assigned for school work. My stories were something I took out each night and played with in my mind as I drifted off into sleep. My muse would speak to me, entertaining me or helping me to escape the angst and drama every teenager passes through on the way to adulthood.

I cannot pinpoint the moment in my life when my muse died, succumbing to the drudgery and mind-numbing effects of the corporate world. But, at some point in my early adulthood, my muse left. I no longer fell asleep creating new stories but rather rehashing the latest office conflict. My dreams, once fertile ground for creativity and imagination, now became a desolate wasteland void of ideas. I no longer felt the urge to create, it took too much energy to create a world away from reality and soon it became easier just to slip into the swamp of unconsciousness.

Where oh where did my muse go? Today, I have the desire to write but I am lacking my creative muse. What once was a simple process of closing my eyes to create a new story is now a laborious task fraught with fitful starts and uninspired prose. Come back my muse!

Maybe if I improve the conditions for my muse, it will come back. My mind is becoming more accommodating for my muse; I read fiction daily and have begun creative mental exercises, creating stories about people and objects as they appear in my vision...flexing the imagination that was once depleted by a fast-paced corporate job.

I know I will be able to tell when my muse returns...it will be the night I wake up frustrated because I cannot turn the page of the story being composed in my mind. That is when I will fly to my laptop, eagerly listening to my muse as it narrates my story!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Life of a Craftsman

I am a smith; I work with myriad tools at my disposal. Each morning, prior to working on the daily orders, I carefully look over my tools, discriminating as I select the ones most appropriate for the day's labors and hone them to a razor's edge. My life is creating finished goods out of raw elements, carefully forging functional items and simultaneously brilliant works of art. Now I hammer away at the amorphous mass, each ferocious strike follows the previous, energetically building on the work already completed. Within mere moments, I have produced a finished work based solely on a vision. I am most pleased with my choice of tools; today, I chose adjectives.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Milking 101

“Grab the pitchfork and go get a couple flakes of hay. I’ll get Belle.” Dad whistles and yells out across the pasture, “Here Belle!”

Belle’s head pops up from her grazing, a small tuft of grass hanging limply from her mouth. Her ears were cocked towards Dad; she was assessing the situation with her limpid eyes.

I’m not sure what breed Belle was, but she had to be the largest of all the cows that paraded across the Ranch over the years. Whenever I walked near her, Belle’s coarse black and white hide would tower over my lanky, teenage frame. Another piercing whistle, “Belle!” and the gentle mountain began to move toward us.

“Is this enough?” I hold up the pitchfork.

“Double that.”

I increase the load of hay on the pitchfork and swing it up onto my shoulder, calloused hands confidently gripping the sun-aged wooden handle as the load rotated. Belle spied the hay and her deliberate pace quickened. She was all about routine and hay signified her evening routine was about to begin.

“Throw the hay in the bunk and get out of her way.”

I tossed the hay and jumped up on the rail of the massive wooden feed bunk Dad, Gary and I labored over last year. Eager to get at the hay, Belle pushed her head into the stanchion and I pulled the bar against her broad, muscular neck, deftly dropping the block into place.

“She’s locked in Dad.”

Standing up on the bunk, I can look over Belle’s back and see Dad coming out of the barn with a small bucket of rolled oats (Belle’s favorite) in one hand, and the shiny, stainless steel milk bucket in the other.

“What are you doing up there? Last time I checked, all the plumbing is back here.” As I jumped down I realized school was now in session.

“Ok, watch what I am doing with my hand.” We are standing near the backside of Belle, just out of range of the whip-like tail as it cracks at another biting fly, high up on Belle’s back.

“Make a circle with your thumb and forefinger and keep the others pointed out.” Kinda like the universal sign for ‘OK’ which is ironic, because that is not how I felt at the moment.

“You’re going to squeeze the milk from the top of the teat down to the bottom.” Sounds easy, but I’m not so sure. All my confidence has drained into my tennis shoes.

“Start with your circle, squeeze, and then slowly close the rest of your fingers, one at a time.” He demonstrates.

“Like this?” I try to mimic the fluid movement of his fingers. “No, watch my hand again.” He patiently demonstrates the motion again and again. “Be sure to squeeze from the top to the bottom and alternate your hands”

Oooohhh, like doing scales on the piano, only my fingers are squeezing instead of pressing. I try again.

“Like this?”

Dad smiled, “There you go, just like that.” His son might be a prodigy after all. “That’s the right motion, keep practicing. I’ll go ‘round and we can milk her together.”

Just like that?! I look down at the massive udder, swollen with twelve hours worth of milk production. Don’t we need formal introductions first?

As I squat down, Dad is already sending rhythmic streams of the translucent liquid into the bucket. The milk makes a sharp sound as it strikes the bottom of the bucket.

Psheeet, psheet, psheeet, psheet, psheeet, psheet.

One hand is squeezing just a fraction longer than the other.

“Well? You gonna make me do all the work?”

“No.”

“Do just like you practiced.” Dad’s voice is muffled by the massive bovine separating us. “Go ahead, you can do it. Just watch her, if she starts to raise her leg, push your wrist against the knuckle just above her hoof. You don’t want her to kick.”

“Why will she kick?”

“She’s kinda antsy tonight; the flies are biting pretty hard.”

“I don’t think I can stop her.”

“You’ll be surprised; it doesn’t take a lot of force to stop a cow from kicking. You just have to catch it as she is raising her hoof.”

I stare at the black and pink bratwurst-like teat. This seems weird. Are you sure this is legal?

Dad’s cadence hasn’t changed, but as the milk starts to fill the bucket the sound changes.

Pshooot, pshoot, pshooot, pshoot, pshooot, pshoot.

“You can do it. Just grab ahold and squeeze like you practiced. You’ll see. It’s much easier than you think.” Gentle encouragement, no relenting. I am going to have to do this. I grabbed the teat and squeezed. A couple drops of milk found their freedom in the bucket.

“Oh!”

“What?”

I was not expecting the almost hot, supple texture of the teat.

“Nuthin.” Embarrassed, I try again and this time my feeble efforts produce a dribbling flow of milk.

“There you go! You got it. Just squeeze a little harder. You aren’t going to hurt her.”

As my confidence grows, the tiny streams get stronger and more rhythmic. Our conversation fades as we focus on our task. A thick layer of foam is developing on top of the milk, muting the sound of the streams.

Fhwoop, fhwooop, fhwoop, fhwooop, fhwoop, fhwooop.

The familiar sounds of the Ranch gently creep into my consciousness. A fly buzzes. The gentle swish of Belle’s tail over my head.

Fhwoop, fhwooop, fhwoop, fhwooop, fhwoop, fhwooop.

Belle’s molars slowly grinding the sweet alfalfa hay. Suzie yipping excitedly. She must have cornered a gopher. A rooster crows somewhere off in the distance. We continue milking in the comfortable silence of two souls at peace with the world.

Dad finishes first, stands, stretches and pours the oats for Belle. “When you’re done, take the milk up to your mom. I’ll close up down here.”

Dusk is closing in on me as I strip the last few drops from Belle’s now-depleted udder. I stand, and as I lift the sloshing bucket I hear, “Good job son.”

I grin from ear to ear and walk just a little bit taller.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Becoming a Writer

WARNING: This post consists of random musings and lacks any cohesive opinion or commentary.

OK, so I want to be a professional writer.

What is holding me back? Why don't I just start writing and pitching my work?

After some deep soul searching here is my answer: I'm not a risk taker. I avoid risks because I am highly competitive and I hate to lose. But it is more than just losing; I am afraid of failing. To me, failure and losing are synonymous. To lose is to fail and to fail is to lose...and I loathe losing!

So why do I think I am going to fail?

Because I am not, in my perception, the typical writer. I am not driven to write, I want to write. I have not been compelled to write and be published all my life like some of the more famous writers have been. Maybe it is more of a dream than a desire for me. Something that does not have enough emotional energy for me to surge past the fear of failure.

Or, maybe it is because I am generally lazy and lack the requisite discipline to drive the writing behavior forward and being atypical of other writers is a convenient excuse.

Regardless of winning or losing in my attempt at professional writing, I am following the advise of many professional writers and budding professionals; I am writing. Thus the ultimate purpose of this blog.

Thanks for reading!

The Risks of Web 2.0

After posting my last blog, I began thinking about the risks associated with putting my opinion out there for the world to see. Did I put too much out there? Did I say too much and who is going to see it? What will they think about what I just posted? Whether I like it or not, I will be judged about what I said in my posting. Here is the real kicker...I won't have the opportunity to defend my opinion or reputation with the person judging me. I would be indicted, judged and convicted without the benefit of a defense. Am I comfortable with that??

There are no hard and fast rules about Web 2.0 etiquette yet. What should be acceptable and what is taboo ranges widely with each audience, person, and perhaps each generation. I am discovering younger generations are more willing to share what I consider deeply personal information with the rest of the world. Why is that? Is it because the "cyberworld" is something they grew up with and they do not view as reality? (What happens in cyberspace stays in cyberspace.) Or is it because they have become immune (or attracted) to Internet voyeurism? Or, perhaps, it is the folly of youth, blissfully unaware of the repercussions and unintended consequences of providing too much information to the general public.

While I don't have any followers currently, I am working to land a job. This means anyone doing a simple search of my name will pull this blog up and they will see every comment and opinion I post...and the judging will begin. Unfortunately, the viewer will most likely come to the erroneous conclusion that I am someone who shares this same type of comments and opinion within the workplace and I would become a liability they don't need or want. What they won't hear is that I am a highly professional employee who understands what is appropriate to discuss in the workplace and that I would not be an HR risk.

Here is a brief list of considerations I plan to follow on all future postings:
  1. Be prepared to be judged on the content, spelling, and grammar of your message and be willing to accept the consequences of that judgment.
  2. All control of the content is lost forever when the send or submit button is pressed.
  3. Whatever is posted or sent on email has the chance of becoming part of the permanent record.
  4. If you wouldn't say it in front of someone or to someone, don't post it on the web.
  5. Remember the golden rule.
I would be interested in learning from others what they consider to be appropriate to post and what rules they follow in deciding what to publish to the world.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Journalistic Scum

After reading this article today, I am compelled to share my anger. At one time, the profession of journalism was an honorable and respectful (even respected) role in our society. Journalists provided objective reporting of events without injecting political bias or personal agendas into their work. That has ceased to exist in America today, where editorial staff are nothing more than corporate shills, prostituting their craft for the almighty dollar. The AP debased themselves by allowing these photos to be released. In my opinion, they have become tabloid journalists, seeking the most sensational photo to sell the story instead of allowing the compelling human element within the story to sell it for them. Any other photo of soldiers in combat would have added the requisite visual element to the article and satisfied the editor's need to sensationalize the article to draw their reader to it.

This is not a First Amendment argument. I am an ardent supporter of free speech and will argue alonside any journalist and ANY American for the right to express my opinion in a free world. However, any competent journalist should have the ability to tell a story effectively and even dramatically without having to add photos. Photos have become a crutch for sloppy writing skills, lazy journalism, and yes, lazy readers. No, this is an argument about social responsibility and common decency, something in short supply in America today. If the tables were turned and these photos were of someone close to the journalist or the head of the AP, they would most likely fight to block the release of the pictures.

It seems almost trite to make this comment...but one wonders why the media cannot figure this out. As one bastion of liberalism after another files for Chapter 11, I would think they would examine their business model and actually listen to their markets to understand the majority of Americans still retain much of their conservative values; not necessarily "Republican" or "Right-wing" values, but values that are built on decency and respect for fellow human beings. We all have seen and maybe even experienced the results of corporate America setting those values aside (Enron, Bernie Madoff, et al). Maybe the ones that survive will have figured this all out.

My heart goes out to the family of the fallen soldier as they deal with the publicity this story is now generating as they deal with the grief of the loss of their son.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Today, I am Invisible to the World

I was aware I would be going through various emotions as I search for a new job. I experienced many different emotions shortly after I lost my job; relief, anger, remorse, frustration, sadness, loss...I really missed a lot of the people I worked with.

But today was different. Six weeks after losing my job I have become the Invisible Man to all but a select few people in this world. Former colleagues have not responded to text and email messages, invitations to connect on LinkedIn go unanswered, and all the activity from last week with possible contracts and phone interviews has dried up this week. For the past few days, my posts on FaceBook have not attracted any comments from my circle of friends.

This may sound like I am whining or bemoaning the fact I feel cut off from the rest of the world but rest assured, I am not complaining. Simply put, this is a new feeling for me and I need to adapt to it and understand how the speed of time in my paradigm is progressing differently than the time in my colleague's worlds. I am lacking the day-to-day stresses they are all facing in their jobs. I don't have a boss to impress right now; I lack deadlines and all the other job-related pressure. I am ready for interaction with others late in the day, just as they are preparing to wind down and relax.

I believe it will be fairly easy to slip this cloak of invisibility off in the next few days. I just need to be patient and trust in the friendships I have developed over time and realize some relationships are more casual that I wanted to believe. There are people who drift in and out of our lives and there will be more drifting over the next few weeks as I fade from former colleague's memories. The good news is we are equipped with better tools today than in the past when it comes to staying connected with others. Social Media websites allow peripheral relationships to exist and last far longer than before. We may never meet face-to-face or speak to each other ever again, but we may post the occasional comment on each other's Wall and that will suffice in the new Web 2.0 world.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Today's Dilemma

Being unemployed, I am facing the grim realization I am competing with the horde for few (if any) jobs that I desire and qualify for. As I look for ways to replace the income lost, I am exploring my desire to write professionally. I enjoy writing, have decent writing skills, and have had a desire to write a novel most of my life.

How do I avoid being just another wannabe? Some of the questions I am currently exploring (besides the obvious...what are the mechanics of professional writing: how do I submit queries, who do I submit to, what are appropriate rates? Etc.) What do I write about? What is my niche? I have a deep passion for learning broad and varied topics...is that a strength or liability? Do I write for corporations? Magazines? Fiction?

I'm hoping this new blog will facilitate my soulsearching and at the same time, get me writing for the sake of writing. I know this is very rough and unedited...many times it will be rambling and incoherent, but ultimately, I am writing and that is the most important thing for me right now.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Being an Introvert in a Web 2.0 World

I am an introvert. This doesn't mean I am a shy person; I am far from being shy. No, an introvert is someone who recharges their emotional batteries by spending some quality alone time. As an introvert, I think and mentally rehearse before I speak and I develop deep relationships over time.

That is all changing with Web 2.0 and the much hyped "social media" or social networking websites. In order to compete and succeed in this new age, I must learn how to rapidly meet similar professionals, evaluate their relevance in my life and make a connection. Without these links, I lose the necessary competitive edge they provide. Research shows traditional job sites are the least effective way to find a job. The majority of jobs are now garnered through personal networking.

So, how do I survive? In what ways do I need to reinvent myself? What ways can remain true to my old self? Is there hope for a fringe employee...at the tail end of the boomer generation but not bearing any of the trademarks of either generation (boomer or gen-x).

One thing is for sure, I cannot ignore the changes that are happening if I want to stay ahead of the competition.